


Ashes, Ashes, We All Fall Down

by jumble_of_fandoms



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Babylon explosion, Depression, M/M, confession of love, season five
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-04
Updated: 2015-09-09
Packaged: 2018-04-12 21:59:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 9,840
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4496298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jumble_of_fandoms/pseuds/jumble_of_fandoms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Instead of Michael going over to get the drink for Ted's date, Justin finds himself next to the bar when the bomb goes off. Brian races back to Babylon as quickly as he can, searching as quickly as he can for his Sunshine. What happens when he finally does find him?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> If you are looking for a fic that focuses on any couple other than Brian and Justin, I am sorry but this is not that fic. I just tagged them because they are in the fic.
> 
> Was only supposed to be a one-shot, but obviously that's not happening...

Brian hops into his car, closing the door behind him. He only nods to the driver, anxious to get as far away from Pittsburgh and memories of Justin as soon as possible. A report on the radio is soon pulling him out of his thoughts of Sydney and a fresh crop of men to prey on.

 _“Reports of an explosion going off in Pittsburgh are flooding in. First responders are saying it took place at a local dance club_ Babylon _where a “Stop Prop 14” event was scheduled for this evening. There are also statements of injuries as well as the possibilities of fatalities…”_

With every word coming out of the radio, Brian feels his chest constrict tighter and tighter. “Turn around, now!” He demands, sitting on the edge of his seat. “And hurry the fuck up.”

 _Don’t let it be him, let him be ok, please…_ Brian starts thinking, the words repeating in his mind over and over as memories of Justin poor in, bleeding on the cement floor all those years ago. Shaking his head, he watches out of the windshield, watching the city fly by before him. Smoke can soon be seen on the horizon, followed by flashing lights and people milling around outside of the industrial looking building.

Brian flings the car door open and is flying out of it before it comes to a complete stop, looking at every face he passes as he rushes by. None of them look familiar, and Brian feels his heart constrict again as he moves past more and more people. His brain only allows him to take in the most basic details: faces, covered in smoke and ash, wrapped in blankets, streaks of red here or there.

Finally, a familiar face stands out in the crowd and Brian hurries towards it. “Jennifer!” He calls out, hands reaching out towards the blonde woman who is huddled up next to her boyfriend. “Please, tell me you have seen him,” he demands, flinching at the desperation in his voice.

“He’s still inside; I haven’t seen him out here-” She cuts off with a choke, coughing harshly. Brian only waits long enough to make sure she is breathing and rushes off, heading towards the entrance to the club.

People are still streaming out of the club, and Brian continues to look at each face. He passes Michael and Ben, and then passes Emmett, feeling the tightness release a bit as he realizes they are all ok for the most part. He barely hears the calls of the firemen, telling people to get out of the building if they are able to, and shrugs away from one or two of them as they try to grab hold of him. Another face surfaces before him and he realizes he is standing before Ted.

“Teddy, please tell me you have seen him!” Brian yells, reaching out towards Ted.

“There was so much smoke… and it was so bright… so loud…” Ted mumbles incoherently.

Brian grabs hold of Ted’s shoulders, intent on shaking the man back to reality, until he notices that Ted’s eyes are unfocused and not really looking at him. He shoves Ted and his date towards the nearest fireman, only watching briefly to make sure they are shuffled out of the building. He turns back around, squinting against the smoke that seems to float up from the floor. There are bodies everywhere, some calling out for help, others laying deathly still.

Pipes and columns, metal and copper line the floor from the explosion, but Brian’s brain does not allow him to take it all in farther than what his eyes see. He scans the dark room, looking for that shock of blonde hair, those eyes, anything that will point him to where he is. Brian moves through the club, making his way closer and closer to the where the bar used to be. It’s now just a scatter of pieces and parts, booze bottles everywhere creating muddy puddles as it mixes with the ash and dust.

“JUSTIN!” He finally calls out, growing more and more desperate as he is still unable to find the younger man.

A sound reaches his ears, and unsure of what he heard, he calls out the name again. The sound comes back again, this time a little louder and Brian realizes it is someone groaning softly. “Come on, Justin,” Brian starts saying. “Keep making noise, help me find you.” He listens and hears another groan to his left under a larger piece of the bar and possibly a column that used to stand by the bar. Getting his fingers under the fiberglass, he groans and he does his best to lift it.

Flinging the pieces aside as they finally give, Brian continues to dig through the rubble, coughing as the ash and dust make their way down to his lungs. “Come on kid, talk to me,” Brian begs, looking for anything that resembles the man he is looking for. Another groan can be heard as he pushes one last piece of the bar aside and Brian feels his breath catch in his throat. “Justin…” he whispers, looking down at the boy.

The blonde hair he was looking for is now almost black, covered in dust, ash, and scorch marks. More streaks of black race down his face and shirt. Brian does his best to ignore the red that shows up in places, tentatively reaching out a hand towards his face. As his fingers graze skin, the boy beneath him stirs faintly, eyes fluttering open.

“Hey, Justin,” Brian whispers again, heart clenching.

“Bri…” Justin mutters, doing his best to hold Brian’s gaze. Brian looks down when something moves next to him and realizes that Justin is trying to move his hand. Brian’s eyes flick back up to Justin, wide with worry.

“Hey, it’s ok, I’m here. Try not to move, ok?” Brian says, words rushing out. Justin’s eyes flick for a moment, before he finds Brian’s again. “I’m going to get you out of here, ok? It’s going to be ok…” Brian says, already moving his hand away so he can start digging pieces of rubble away from Justin’s legs. The shouts of the firemen no longer register in his ears as he makes quick work of the rubble, mind blocking out the sight of the blood that continues to show itself along Justin’s body.

The blue button up and khaki pants are almost unrecognizable and are torn to shreds. Scratches and grazes cover Justin’s chest and a gash can be seen on one of his legs, but Brian does not allow himself to focus on any of that. Coughing against the smoke again, Brian moves back up to where Justin’s head is, placing his hand against his cheek again.

“Hey, I’m going to move you now, ok?” Brian asks, waiting for any kind of response. His eyes flick open again, briefly making contact before sliding close.

Brian takes his hand away from Justin’s face and snakes it under his knees instead, grabbing hold of his thigh. His other arm gingerly makes its way under Justin’s shoulders, and Brian does his best to lift the younger man. Standing carefully, he shuffles Justin’s body a bit in his arms until his head is cradled against his shoulder and he starts to make his way back through the rubble that used to be his club. A fireman soon notices him and helps him make his way through the rest of the building back towards the entrance.

Justin groans against Brian’s shoulder, and as much as Brian wants to look at him, he keeps looking where he is going, not wanting to drop the boy. Finally making it out of the door, Brian sucks down deep breaths of the fresher air, coughing as his throat burns from the smoke and ash. Looking for the nearest paramedic, Brian spots one and quickly carries Justin over towards them. “Hey, he needs some help.” Brian states when he finally gets the man’s attention and reluctantly lets go of Justin to place him on the gurney that is quickly procured.

Grabbing onto Justin’s cold fingers, Brian holds on tightly and rushes along with the gurney towards an empty ambulance.

“Oh, god, Justin!” Jennifer’s voice reaches Brian and suddenly the small blonde woman is standing next to him, reaching out towards Justin’s face.

Brian barely recognizes his own voice as he tells Justin’s mom that he’s alive, that he knew who he was, that it’s going to be ok. The words hang heavy on his own heart as he tries to believe them himself, staring at the soot covered face before him.

A hand lands on his arm and he looks up into the face of one of the paramedics. “We need to get going,” the man states in a tone which implies he has already said this once.

“I’m going with him,” Brian immediately says, quickly climbing into the back of the ambulance once the gurney is loaded. “Don’t worry, I’ve got him,” he says to Jennifer before the doors are closed.

The paramedic next to him starts asking him questions and Brian feels himself automatically responding to them, continuing to clutch the hand in front of him. He tells the man he found Justin where the bar used to be, says that there were not any major cuts that he could tell, that nothing was sticking out of him when he pulled the pieces aside. The two paramedics then fall silent as they do what little work they can in the cramped ambulance.

Brian falls silent, reaching to run his fingers through the parts of Justin’s hair that isn’t caked in blood or dust. Flashbacks of riding in the back of a different ambulance flood his mind and he tries his best to push them back behind the barriers they are supposed to be living behind, but before he can, the bus stops and Justin is being torn away from him just like last time, wheeled into the bright, sterile environment behind the sliding doors. Brian makes his way out of the bus, feeling the world weigh heavily on his shoulders….

“Bri… ian…. Brian!”

Brian feels himself come back to himself as the voice calling him finally breaks through his thoughts. He looks up and locks eyes with Michael, déjà vu washing over him. Blinking slowly, he looks around and sees the faces of everyone else surrounding him. 

“We came as soon as we could. Has there been any news?” Michael asks sitting down in the chair on Brian’s left. Brian can’t even remember ever getting to the waiting room, let alone sitting down.

“You ok?” Another voice asks, sitting in the chair on his right. Brian turns his head and recognizes the sparkly outline of Emmett with Drew standing close beside him. Brian can only look around at everyone again, blinking. The words he wants to say won’t form on his lips, refusing to turn into syllables on his tongue.

Someone in a set of green scrubs makes their way over to him and his friends make room for the man to stand in front of Brian. He feels like he should be standing, but it takes everything he has to focus on the words coming from the man’s mouth:

“The man you brought in-”

“Justin…” Brian surprises even himself as the name falls off of his lips.

The doctor clears his throat before starting again. “Justin has ah…” The doctor looks down at the papers in his hands. “He has suffered some blood loss and we are trying our best to fix that, but stocks are obviously running low right now. He has slow sustained some internal bleeding, so we will need to do surgery to figure out where that is coming from and try to fix it. Then there is the possible damage to his hand-”

“Which hand?” Brian again interrupts eyes wide.

“Excuse me?” The doctor asks, caught off guard with the unexpected question.

“Which hand is injured?”

The doctor looks down at his notes before replying: “It looks like he sustained a few broken fingers on his left hand that make need surgery and possibly therapy.”

Brian feels himself relax, even if it is only a miniscule amount. _Just please, not his right hand again…_ He thinks, rubbing his hand over his face.

“Is there anything you can tell me that would help us treat him better? Any conditions we should know about?”

Brian looks up again and tries to focus on what the doctor just said. “What?” He hears himself asking, fogginess threatening to envelop him again. The doctor repeats his question and this time, Brian does his best to make sure it sticks. “He had a, uh… A brain injury a few years back. Right side behind his ear… But there isn’t anything else…” Brian’s voice fades away, and so does the rest of the world. He is only barely aware of his friends finding seats, of Jennifer showing up, asking him questions he can’t find the words to answer…

Debbie soon takes her aside and tells her everything that they know so far and Brian allows himself to slip out again. The world passes by him, moving ever forward into the present, yet Brian’s mind only pulls him farther into the past.

_“Justin!”_

_Crack_

Over and over in his head, memories he thought he had buried a long time ago, the day that Justin took that damn scarf from around his neck. Memories that are now pulling him back under, reminding him of how he felt back then, whispering in his ear.

“Brian?” Jennifer’s voice makes him jump and he curses silently for being so jumpy. “Are you ok?” She asks eyes full of concern.

He should be asking her that; it’s her son that is hurt, her son that could be dying _again._ He looks up at her, catching her eyes, and he tries to flash his cocky grin, but his face doesn’t move. Instead, everything grows foggy before him and it isn’t until she is wiping at his cheeks that he realizes there are tears sliding down them. He shakes his head, hair falling into his face, before bringing his hands up to bury it in them.

When the sobs finally come, he feels the hands of his friends on his back and shoulders, gripping tight, letting them know that they are there. It feels like years have passed before they finally stop and he is able to catch his breath. Leaning back in the chair, he knows his eyes are red and puffy, knows what he must look like because he remembers from the last time.

Hours pass, and while a doctor comes to talk to them again, it is only to tell them that they are taking Justin into surgery to fix the bleeding. People wiz by, Deb and Jennifer both yell at Emmett to sit down before Drew finally manages to pull him into his lap, wrapping him in his arms. Ben and Michael sit close together, gripping each other tightly, and Brian continues to stare at the same spot on the wall in front of him.

It’s another couple of hours before they hear anything, this time it’s the same doctor as before coming out to say that Justin’s surgery went well.

“When can we see him?” Brian registers Jennifer asking, voice desperate to see her only son.

“He’s in recovery right now and is going to sleep for a while, so it will not be until later on tonight. We will let you know when.” Brian’s brain acknowledges these facts, along with the fact that the doctor has walked away. Voices start to murmur around him, people figuring out what to do. Jennifer finally gets everyone to go home and get some rest, sliding back into the seat next to Brian. Her hand lands on his arm and he tries to focus on it, tries to pull himself out of his thoughts for even a moment.

“You don’t have to stay,” she whispers, voice unconvincing as if she doesn’t even believe her own words.

“I can’t leave…” Brian whispers back the words that neither of them need to hear to know that they are true.

“What happened to not being able to do anything for him?” She asks. There is no malice in her voice, only curiosity as she remembers his excuses from the last time.

Brian turns his head, tearing his gaze away from the spot on the wall. He looks at her, staring into her eyes. “Things change… People… change…” he says softly, not needing any other words to describe his feelings.

The sun is setting by the time a nurse comes out to tell them that they can go see Justin now. Brian follows behind Jennifer, knowing she is his mother, that she is the one who deserves to see him first. They walk up next to a door and suddenly Brian cannot move. He is rooted to the spot, just far enough away from the room that he cannot see in. Jennifer turns around to face him once she realizes he has stopped and walks back towards him.

“Brian, it’s going to be ok,” she says placing a hand on his arm. His eyes flick down to her and he starts to wonder when his breathing started to get so fast. Taking a deep slow breath, he nods slightly and follows her as she pulls him along beside her, gently leading him into the room. Brian looks at the floor, counting silently to himself before he can finally pull his gaze up and look at the younger man lying in the bed.

Justin looks small. The bed dwarfs him and the sheets are pulled up high. There are tubes and wires snaking from everywhere, a sight that is familiar from the last time he was in a bed of this type. Brian continues to stand at the foot of the bed as Jennifer takes a seat next to the bed, running her hands softly through the shock of blonde hair.

“Oh, Justin…” She whispers and the words barely register with Brian as he tries to focus on what is in front of him, not something that passed long ago.

“Mrs. Taylor?” A voice says from the door and Jennifer looks up to see a nurse standing with a doctor in the door. “Mind if we talk to you for a bit?”

“Oh, um..”

“Go on, I’ll be here when you get back.” Brian says, uttering the first words since he got in the room.

Jennifer does not say anything in reply but pats his arm lightly, a small thanks before walking away with the nurse and doctor.

Alone with the sleeping man on the bed in front on him, Brian is once again fighting against his memories. Shaking his head, he makes his way towards the chair Jennifer has just evacuated, placing his hands on the bed in front of him once he has sat down.

“Hey, Sunshine,” he whispers, the nickname slipping easily between his lips. He reaches out and gingerly takes Justin’s right hand in his own, running his thumb over the backs of his fingers avoiding the IV line that is sticking out of the back on his hand. “What happened to never doing this to me again?” he jokes softly in the silent room. “I’m getting to old to be worrying this much about…” Brian’s voice trails off, sentence going unfinished.

He feels like he is drowning, being drawn back towards that dark place he had such a hard time digging himself out of before. He leans forward, resting his head against Justin’s leg gently, needing to feel the young man against him. “J-Justin…” he says, voice breaking on the name. The blanket beneath him grows wet and he realizes he is crying again, tears soaking into the thin material.

A hand lands on his back and he jumps a bit before he realizes that Jennifer is back in the room. “He looks so…” she starts.

“Broken…” Brian finishes, the honest word snaking around them both. Jennifer takes the seat on the opposite side of the bed and the two of them settle back into their seats, both watching the sleeping boy in front of them, because while he is old enough to be called a man, right now he looks so young, so… broken.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Aiming for one more after this, which if all goes well, will be posted by at the very latest Friday or Saturday. Enjoy!

Brian blinks his eyes open, groaning softly at the bright lights and the ache in his back. He starts to sit up, wondering where in the hell he is before he sees the white blanket before him. Memories of the night before come rushing in and he closes his eyes again, wanting to block out the world and pretend that everything is back to the way it was.

This idea does not last long as the beeping from the machines finally worm their way into his mind, tone mocking as the continue their monotonous song above him. He turns his head, again opening his eyes, so he can look at Justin. The face that is usually so smooth and perfect is marred with bruises and scratches that have made themselves known in the morning. The silky skin is now purple and blue in places, red and irritated in others. Brian blinks quickly, not daring to let his gaze leave the young man before him for too long for fear of what might happen if he is out of his sight again.

“Brian?” A voice calls tentatively from the direction of the door to the room. Brian sighs quietly before raising his head to look over at Jennifer. Her clothes are different than the party dress she had on and the dust and ash has been washed away from her face, removing any clue of what she may have been through the night before. Brian’s brain swiftly processed the fact that he was still wearing his clothes from the day before, that his own face was most likely filthy, that he probably reeked of smoke and ash.

“You never went home, did you?” Jennifer asks, walking slowly over to the bed.

Brian shakes his head, eyes slipping away from Jennifer back to Justin. “I think they tried to make me leave sometime last night after you did. Something about ‘only family’ or something…” Brian mumbles, reaching out for Justin’s good hand to cradle it in his own.

“Yes, I’ve heard…” Brian catches Jennifer taking the seat opposite him again out of his peripheral, and he waits for her to tell him to leave, to say he should go get cleaned up, or to tell him to get out of his son’s life once again. “I told them to fuck off and leave you alone.”

Brian jerks his head to look at her, eyes wide with surprise.

“Oh, don’t look so shocked,” Jennifer tells him, a soft smile tugging at her lips. “I gave up thinking you would leave his life a long time ago. Plus, you are the one who found him in the first place. The doctor told me…” She reaches out and runs her fingers through a lock of Justin’s hair, tucking it back behind his ear. “Honestly, there isn’t anyone else I’d rather be sitting with here, considering the circumstances.”

Brian can only nod before turning back to look at Justin. The younger man takes even breaths, body moving slightly under the thin blankets. Brian gently rubs his hand over the one he is still holding in his own, trying to bring some color back to it. “Do you think he will be out as long as last time?” He manages to croak out, not really wanting to hear the answer, but not being able to stand the beeping noise by its own. At least when he and Jennifer are talking, he is able to block it out.

“Who knows? Last time it was a head injury,” Jennifer says, leaning back in her chair. “Who knows which injury was the worse one?”

“Did they ever say where the bleeding was coming from?” Brian asks remembering he never heard an answer.

Jennifer rubs her face, trying to brush the tired look away. “Apparently, there was a rupture somewhere in his intestines? They had to do a few things in order to fix it but said he would be fine. They’ll know more once he wakes up, I guess.”

Brian nods again, before lying his head back down on the blankets, ignoring the darker blotch on the white material that must have come from the ash on his face rubbing off on the thin cotton. “You can go take a shower if you want, I won’t be going anywhere today.” Jennifer whispers with not much feeling behind the sentence.

Brian doesn’t bother to answer and Jennifer doesn’t push the matter. Instead, he stares at the man on the bed in front of him, eyes slipping in and out of focus. The drowning sensation is pulling at his feet again, tempting him to follow it down into a dark place. The Sunshine in front of him becomes a beacon, a vest to keep him floating above the surface, but it gets harder and harder as the day slowly ticks by, beep by beep. Nothing changes with Justin: Breathe in, beep beep, breath out. Over and over again.

People stop in to talk to Jennifer, to say a few words to him that he doesn’t really understand. As the day goes on, the words no longer make it past the surface, never register in his brain. The pats on the back, the attempts to hug, the kisses pressed to his temple, all go unnoticed. Even Jennifer’s voice and the doctors fluttering around start to fade out and all Brian can focus on are what are behind those closed eyelids. The blue eyes he needs to see to feel grounded, to pull him out of this sinking ship.

“Brian?” Jennifer shakes him slightly and Brian blinks back to reality for a bit. “Go take a shower, honey. You need one, it will help make you feel better.” Brian barely registers that her eyes are full of concern, concern that is being directed at him.

Brian raises his head and looks around the room, noticing the various objects that now take up spaces around the room: balloons, cards, teddy bears… “It looks like the gift shop threw up in here…”

“Yes, well, people have been stopping by all day.”

Brian jumps a bit when she responds, not realizing he had said that statement out loud.

“Now, please, go take a shower. I’m not trying to get rid of you, before you say anything,” She says quickly, placing a hand back on Brian’s shoulder. “It’s just the smell of smoke and ash…” hey eyes cloud over and Brian finally understands what she is trying to say.

He sighs and turns back to Justin, bending over to place a soft kiss against his hand. Squeezing it slightly, he gets up, stretching the soreness out of his muscles. He raises his arms over his head, feeling his back pop in multiple places. He can feel cold air wash over his hips and knows his shirt has ridden up a bit.

“Quit being such a fucking tease…” a weak voice says and Brian’s eyes fly open.

“Jus-Justin?” he stammers, frozen in place.

“Who the fuck else would be… looking at you there…” Justin’s lips pull at the corners, a quirky smile forming on his face. “Always were such a…fucker…”

“Oh, Justin!” Jennifer says, tears thick in her throat as she rushes back to her post, running her hand over Justin’s hair.

Brian slowly lowers his arms and sits back down, picking Justin’s hand back up. “How…how are you feeling..?” He asks tentatively, voice sounding small.

“I’ve been better…” Justin whispers, voice somehow thick and scratchy sounding all at once. His eyes flick towards Brian and Brian feels his breath catch as he finally gets a sight of those deep blue eyes. The cloudiness and drowning sensation immediately stop growing and a tightens wraps around his heart.

“You fucker…” he whispers, reaching up to rest his forehead against Justin’s. He breathes the younger man in, filing his lungs until they feel as if they will burst. “You had me… I was so…”

“I know,” Justin replies, nose brushing softly against Brian’s. They stay like that for a bit, forgetting Jennifer is even in the room. Justin is soon moving away though, turning his head into his mother’s caresses. “Do me a favor, Bri..” he whispers, eyes moving back to Brian.

“Yea, sure, anything.” Brian manages, anchoring himself in those eyes.

“Go take a fucking shower,” the small smile on Justin’s lips grows a bit wider and Brian feels one tugging at his own lips. “You fucking stink.”

Brian chuckles, a thick one full of the unshed tears burning at his eyes. “Yea, alright Sunshine,” he manages before bending over to place a soft kiss against Justin’s forehead and another on his lips. He waits until Justin is breathing evenly again, eyes closed before walking out of the room.

Once in the hallway, Brian leans against the hospital wall and lets the tears flow freely, no longer caring what others think of him. After a few minutes, he starts to take deep breaths, trying to calm himself down before people start coming over to him and talking to him. It’s another minute or two before he can compose himself even though he knows his eyes are probably puffy and red and that there are most likely even more streaks running down his face.

Brian makes his way out of the hospital and finds his way home without any incident. Once up in his flat behind the closed door, he starts to strip out of his clothes, tossing them aside without any particular care as to where they land. He plans on burning them later, burning away the memory of the night. Everything except his leather jacket, which he drapes over the back of one of the barstools, making a mental note to get it cleaned later. He stumbles into his bathroom, turning on the hot water, letting it steam up the glass enclosed shower.

Before he even realizes, he is standing under the hot spray, skin tingling at the heat. He turns it down slightly and turns his back to it, letting the water pound away at his back and shoulders. Some of the tension of sitting in the same place for so many hours starts to wash away along with the soot and ash that seems to cover places that were even covered by his clothes. He does his best to relax, to think about how Justin is awake and going to be ok, but dark thoughts sneak past his barriers, streak through his mind, taunting and teasing him to follow them.

After taking a hurried shower, cleaning his hair and face several times as quickly as possible, Brian finds himself standing by his bed, a towel wrapped around his waist, another rubbing at his hair.

_He is going to blame you for not being there._

Brian shakes his head, trying to force the thought out and away from him. He goes over to his closet and starts to pull out various pieces of clothing: a shirt, a well-worn pair of dark jeans, and under shirt.

_You should have been there, should have been protecting him._

Brian goes over to a set of drawers, pulling out boxers and sock, placing them on the bed next to everything else.

_But you just had to go to Sydney. Had to get away from him._

Brian closes his eyes, mind racing with thoughts that he cannot chase away. Just as he is about to drown in them, let them pull him away from reality again, a pair of piercing blue eyes swim before him. Brian gasps, eyes flinging open as the thoughts are finally chased away. His heart clenches again, the same as when Justin first opened his eyes. Sitting down on the edge of his bed, Brian takes deep breaths in an attempt to calm down. His heart continues to ache the more he thinks about Justin, of the golden hair and eyes like the sky, the skin so soft and smooth, arms so strong…

The ache only grows, and yet it is almost a pleasant one. Brian grows confused at this, searching, _groping_ for anything that could describe this feeling. Words flick through his mind coupled with definitions that do not match the feeling anchoring him down.

Thinking of Justin in his arms, of holding the younger man against him, never wanting anything to hurt him or to ever go a day without seeing him smile, a small world flicks through his mind. A word so small, yet one that has a definition so large, so big a concept that Brian’s heart starts to race.

“Justin…” he whispers in the quiet of his flat. The word only grows, defining the ache in his chest, the desire in his heart, and before he even knows what he is doing, Brian throws the clothes he had laid out on and is racing out the door of his flat. Some part of him makes the decision to stop in at the diner and order food, letting people know that Justin did in fact wake up.

When he gets back to the hospital, walking down the sterile hallways with arms loaded with food, Brian finally understands that this small word suddenly holds more meaning to him than it ever has before. He pushes his way into Justin’s room and sets the food down on a table. Jennifer is finally sleeping herself, covered in a blanket a nurse must have brought for her.

Brian’s eyes are immediately drawn to Justin, who has yet to really notice Brian has entered the room, lost in his own thoughts. Brian smiles at this, memories flying by of having to resort to drastic measures to pull Justin out of his daydreams. Justin stares out the window, eyes reflecting in the dull hospital lighting. Someone has cleaned him up a bit; dust, ash, and blood are no longer visible on his face, only the dark purple in places from various bruises.

Brian makes his way over towards the bed, knowing for a fact that this word is the one he is looking for, and fear races through his veins. It’s a word he has never used before, never thought would hold any meaning for him, always believed it was just some… _word._ But finally, finally it has meaning for him, and yet, he doesn’t know how to say it…

“Hey you,” he finally says, bending over to place a kiss against Justin’s lips. Justin only pushes against him, no longer one to jump when Brian pulls him out of his thoughts. “What you thinking about?” Brian asks, sitting down on the bed.

Justin only shakes his head, staring at Brian. “Nothing important,” he finally states when Brian only raises an eyebrow, waiting for an answer. “Life.”

“That’s a big ‘nothing,’” Brian jokes, smile splitting his face.

Justin returns the smile, wincing slightly as it pulls against his sore face. “Fucker,” he sighs, closing his eyes.

Brian reaches out, running his hands through the blonde hair. Justin leans into the touch, nuzzling Brian’s hand once it cups his cheek. Brian leans forward, kissing Justin on the lips again. He gently nuzzles his face against Justin’s neck opposite of where his hand is and breathes in the younger man beneath him.

He notices the change in how the smell affects him; what once made him unbearably horny, now only makes him warm and fuzzy. _Great, now I am a walking cliché…_ Brian mutters internally, again breathing in the younger man.

“Now who is the one thinking,” Justin says, a hint of sarcasm lacing his words.

“Hey, at least I know when someone enters a room,” Brian states, ignoring how he was reacting earlier in the day.

“Hmm..” Justin hums, placing a soft kiss against Brian’s cheek. “What were you thinking about?”

“Copy-cat.” Brian grumbles. He pulls back to look at Justin and allows a smile to dance across his face. Justin returns the smile, albeit, a slightly sleepier version of it.

“Seriously though, what were you thinking about?” Justin prods.

Brian stares at Justin, contemplating if he should really tell him now or wait until things have calmed down. He gets lost in the blue eyes, fingers threading gently through the locks of blonde hair under his hand. Thoughts of holding Justin close in his arms again, protecting him from the world flit away in his mind and Brian is reminded again of the feeling and word he has just now discovered. Holding Justin’s gaze steadily, Brian takes a deep breath, leaning forward to press one more kiss against those soft lips he has kissed so many times.

He pulls away gently and finds those eyes again and finally allows that word to slip past his lips. It flows easily, like he has said it a million times before in a million different ways and Brian’s heart finally feels so light.

Confusion crosses Justin’s face and Brian watches as he tries to understand what he just uttered. “Wh-what?” He asks shakily.

Never letting go of Justin’s gaze, Brian finds the words easier to say this time:

“I love you.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long!! Life got in the way, but the last chapter is a nice long one. I hope you enjoy!

“I love you.”

Justin stares back into Brian’s eyes, his own widening at the words. “Bri…” he starts, but before he can get a thought out, the door to his room opens with a knock and a doctor enters, followed by a nurse. Jennifer stirs at the sound and is soon awake and alert, looking between the men. Brain lets his hand falls from Justin’s face as he backs away from the bed, gaze dropping to the floor. The doctor stays for several minutes going over charts and numbers that soon have Brian’s head swimming. Once the doctor and nurse leave, the room becomes a revolving door of people constantly entering and leaving.

Emmett and Drew stop by, Emmett still leaning on Drew heavily, clearly still shaken from the events. They only stay long enough for Emmett to drop off a present or three, including a vase of flowers that Drew is holding for him. Soon after they leave, Michael and Ben soon show up. They stay the longest of anyone else that day, discussing various things that have come up in town since the event. Justin smiles the entire time they are there, finally learning about his city in ways Brian and his mother have been unable to answer as they have hardly left his side.

Visiting hours soon end however, and Justin settles back against the pillows on his bed, face lined with exhaustion. It isn’t long before he is drifting off to sleep with Brian in a chair next to the bed holding his hand once again. He had just managed to talk Jennifer into going home for the night and getting some sleep in her bed, promises of switching the next night still ringing in the room. Brain watches Justin sleep, face doused in moonlight that filters through the blinds that cover the windows.

The words he uttered only a few hours ago start to echo in Brian’s ears and he decides that he has never meant anything more in his life. The look on Justin’s face proved that Justin probably never thought he would ever say those words to him. Smirking, Brian vows to himself to make himself worthy of those words to Justin, but it is a long time before he ever gets the chance to say them again.

People constantly visit Justin over the next few weeks, and when he isn’t surrounded by people, Justin spends long hours each day sleeping. His left hand is put in a cast, which will have to stay on for a few weeks before coming off. The day Justin is finally allowed to go home, Brian is there to offer his support. He never says anything to Justin about where he will be staying, and Jennifer is also silent on the matter. It isn’t until Justin gets to the parking lot, standing in front of the two cars that happen to be parked next to each other that it is finally clear where he wants to go.

“Bye, mom,” he says, pulling Jennifer into a hug. Brian notices tears pricking at her eyes, but she only smiles back at her son, a knowing look flashing across her face. Brian is reminded of that day all those years ago when she begged him to take her son back in, teach him how to be touched again, know that not everything in life would cause him harm.

It seems this time, she is letting him decide that for himself.

Justin looks over at Brian, a question in his eyes that Brian only answers by saying his own goodbyes to Jennifer with a hushed “I’ll watch over him” whispered in her ear.

The two men pile into Brian’s car, bags stuffed into the back of it, and tear down the streets of Pittsburgh back to Brian’s flat. When they reach it, Brian carries Justin’s things up the stairs, ignoring the sounds of protest that Justin makes and pushes the door open once they reach it.

“Wanna go lay down for a bit?” He asks, setting Justin’s bags down by the door. The things in them will have plenty of time to be put away later.

“I’ve been lying down for days now,” Justin says, walking around the flat. He trails his hand over the back edge of the couch before leaning up against it. Cradling his casted arm against his chest, he looks at Brian with eyebrows raised.

“Fine, but let’s at least watch a movie or something.” Brian declares, removing a giant glass bowl from one of the cupboards above the sink.

A mumbled “Fine” reaches his ears as he pulls out a couple bags of popcorn to start cooking them. Sounds from the television soon float through the room as Justin searches for a movie, and popping noises soon accompany. A few minutes later, Brain settles on the couch next to Justin, pulling him close against his side, plopping the popcorn bowl on his lap.

The two settle into a quick routine of Brian going to work, Justin doing whatever projects he can manage that don’t stress him out too badly, and eventually going to physical therapy sessions. The weeks pass by in a blur, some more exhausting than others. Work on _Babylon_ starts, bringing the place back to its former jizz covered glory.

The words Brian uttered all those weeks ago still ring in his heart every time he looks at Justin, every time he sees that smile radiate on his face or every time he loses himself in a new painting that takes over the dining table. Several trips were made back and forth to Justin’s studio on a weekly basis for supplies to be picked up or for finished canvases to be dropped off. A new collection soon grows from the pieces and Brian starts to notice a pattern or two between them.

He starts to believe that Justin has forgotten all about the words he said to the younger man, and in his heart, he is ok with that. Instead of dwelling on it, he only focuses on making Justin as happy as possible, helping him through the long days the follow him returning home…

Two months after the bombing, a vigil is held again in town. Many people from the community gather to remember those that have been lost and to celebrate those who have healed. Everyone who was hurt during the bombing have finally all been released and this vigil serves to hold them up and remember that they are still healing, as well as remember those who are healing from losing loved ones.

Brain and Justin walk up to the event arm in arm, Justin leaning against Brian in the cold weather. The ceremony is quick because of the cold and not many people speak. There is a long moment of silence where Brian leans his head against Justin’s, heart aching of the thought of Justin being one of those they were remembering, not celebrating that night.

Once the ceremony is over, Brian pulls Justin through the crowd quickly.

“Where are we going?” Justin asks, voice somber.

“You’ll see, won’t you?” Brain replies, a playful edge lacing his words. Justin smiles up at him, but the look soon turns to confusion when Brian pulls them alongside _Babylon_.

“I thought they were still working on this place?” Justin eyes the building warily, memories flooding back in.

Brian recognizes the look in Justin’s eyes and pulls him in for a quick hug, blocking the view of the building. “We aren’t going inside, so stop worrying,” he teases but the bite just isn’t there behind the words. After Justin nods, Brian lets go of him and leads him to a set of stairs that have been built into the side of the building in the alleyway.

Before Justin can say anything, Justin grabs his hand and starts to pull him up the stairs, not letting go until the reach the roof of the building. He watches as Justin walks over to the edge of the roof and looks out over the city.

“Oh, Brian, wow!” He exclaims, fear forgotten.

Brian walks up behind him, wrapping him up in his arms.

“You can see the whole city up here!” Justin continues, gaze sweeping across everything that he can see. The entirety of Liberty Avenue spreads out beneath them, lights pouring out onto the streets lighting up every corner. Justin spends the next hour or so just pointing out various things to Brian, who only nods along with the information.

Justin eventually falls silent, lost in the beauty that is his home. Brian moves to stand next to him and watches as the lights of the city dance in his eyes. People bustle below them, oblivious to the voyeurs above them. “It’s beautiful up here,” Justin finally says, breaking the silence.

“Not as beautiful as you,” Brian replies, and at his words, Justin turns towards him.

A smile breaks across his face and he leans into Brian’s shoulder. “You are so lame sometimes,” the younger man says.

Brian shrugs him off his shoulder and looks him in the eye. “I mean it, Sunshine. You are more beautiful to me than this entire city beneath us. Than anything in this world.” Brian reaches out to cup Justin’s face in one of his hands.

Justin leans into the touch, but says nothing. Brian’s heart starts to race as he wonders what could be going on behind his eyes, wishing for the umpteenth time that he had the ability to read his mind. “Well, say something.” He finally states when the silence continues to stretch on.

Justin only blinks and leans in to press his lips against Brian’s. Brain closes his eyes and presses back into the kiss, letting it burn slowly. He flicks his tongue out, pressing into Justin’s mouth that moves against his in a way he has never found with any other guy, almost as if Justin has the ability to know what he is going to do before he ever does it. The hand still cupping Justin’s face moves towards his hair and Brian threads his fingers in the silken locks as Justin’s own hand clutches the front of his shirt, attempting to pull him closer.

The kiss breaks off and Brian stares at Justin’s shining eyes, breathing slightly harder than before. The lights from the city reflect off his face, his eyes, his hair, making him glow so many colors in the dark night. “Good to know we haven’t lost that…” Brian says, and Justin nods his head. Brian tries to push away the thoughts of how many months he has gone without latching onto those lips, wanting to stay in the moment without being dragged down again. They latch on to him though, and taunt him, telling him of how he will never be good enough for Justin, will never be able to give him what he really wants in life.

“Bri?” Justin asks, concern now mapping its way across his face.

Brian only smiles at him, pushing those thoughts aside. Standing, he reaches for Justin’s hand and pulls him up. “Come on, let’s go home.” He says simply before leading the way across the roof. Once they are back on the ground, Justin wraps his arm around Brian’s waist, burying against the older man. They reach Brian’s car quickly and are soon back at the flat, shucking scarves and gloves once they reach warmer air.

Brian walks up behind Justin and turns him around. He leans down to place a quick kiss on Justin’s lips before stripping the younger man of his jacket. Another kiss lands on his jaw as the jacket slides to the floor. Justin’s neck rolls back and to the side as Brian reaches for his neck, another kiss brushing against the soft skin there.

When Brian pulls away, Justin’s eyes are half closed and his lips are slightly parted. “Enjoying yourself?” Brian asks and braces for the swat that lands on his arm.

“Jerk,” Justin says, a smile tugging at his lips.

Brian reaches out to touch a lock of Justin’s hair, brushing it away from his face. He catches Justin’s eyes and as he stares into the blue depths in front of him, thoughts start to edge back into his mind. _You’ll never be able to give him what he wants. Why are you even trying right now? What is the point of even trying? You’ll only hurt him again, that’s the only thing you are good for-_

Brian leans down and crushes his lips against Justin’s, shoving the thoughts out of his head. The kiss becomes more frenzied, hot and burning. Justin starts to tug on his jacket, ripping it off of his shoulders while Brian’s hands tear at the bottom of Justin’s shirt. A path of clothes starts to form as Brian leads Justin towards the couch, pushing him down gently onto it. He bends over Justin, tongue trailing over his soft skin. Justin gasps as he reaches his hips, sucking gently on his hip bones. Fingers thread into Brian’s hair, tugging at him, but he ignores them as he continues to kiss a trail to Justin’s thighs, sucking on the sensitive skin.

A groan reaches his ears and he finally reaches for Justin’s hard cock, licking a trail up the length before sucking the head into his mouth. Justin’s hips jut forward and Brian lowers his head, taking in all of Justin’s cock into his mouth before sucking hard on the tender appendage. He sets up a rhythm, head bobbing up and down as he brings Justin to the edge. When Justin’s hips start to stutter, he pulls off Justin’s cock with an obscene pop.

“Bri…” Justin moans, face twisted at the denial. Brian watches as Justin calms back down, body relaxing before once against trapping his lips in a bruising kiss. Tongues wrestle against each other, running over teeth and brushing against the roofs of mouths. Brian soon finds himself on his back with Justin hovering over him, arms locked straight to support his weight.

Brian looks up at Justin, watches as his eyes tell him everything and anything that cannot be communicated through words. Breathing hard, Justin leans down and places open mouthed kisses on Brian’s body. Brian watches as long as he can, but his head is soon tilting up and his eyes close as Justin nears his hips. Teeth scrape against his skin as Justin starts a bruising punishment against the soft skin there and Brian knows that there will be marks there in the morning. Justin soon moves away from his hips and towards his thighs, running the flat of his tongue against the sensitive skin found there. He nuzzles against the skin there and Brian opens his eyes as he senses Justin moving closer towards his aching cock.

The red lips tilt up in a smile as Justin lowers himself even closer to Brian’s cock, but instead of doing what Brian hopes he will, he moves to swipe his tongue over bruised hips again. A growl rumbles low in Brian’s chest and he reaches out for Justin, threading his fingers in the soft blonde hair. He guides Justin back towards his cock and watches as Justin finally sinks down on it, enveloping it in his hot mouth. His tongue plays over the sensitive skin, pressing against the areas that he knows will drive Brian crazy. Brian’s eyes fall shut once more at the feeling, and he lays his head back down. His mouth falls open and little sighs and moans slip through as Justin starts to move up and down his cock. Brian’s hips start to buck, making his cock slide farther down Justin’s mouth, but Justin continues to take it all.

It doesn’t take long before Brian is having to pull Justin off of his cock, groaning at the loss of the feeling of Justin’s mouth on his cock. Moving without saying anything, Brian smoothly gets Justin back on his back, stretched out on the large couch. Brian kneels between his legs, running his hands over Justin’s chest, watching as the blonde’s mouth falls open at the feeling. Taking one of Justin’s legs in his hand, he raises it over his shoulder and reaches back for the lube laying on a table close to the couch. Slicking his fingers, he reaches down and starts to circle Justin’s entrance, watching the reactions he immediately gets.

His finger slides in easily and he is soon stretching out the younger man, sliding another finger in and moving them in and out slowly. It isn’t long before he is unraveling a condom on his own aching cock, lubing it even more, and slowly pushing his way into Justin.

“Bri...” Justin moans, his chest heaving with how hard he is breathing.

Once fully seated, Brian reaches for Justin’s other leg, resting it in the crook of his arm. He starts to thrust into Justin, needing to feel as close as he can to the younger man. Justin’s hands grip tightly to Brian, fingers digging in as his head is thrown back. His moans grow louder, turning into shouts of pleasure.

 _I love this man…_ Brian pushes harder at the thought, eyes shut tight, head thrown back.

_I love this man more than I ever thought I could love anyone…_

“Brian, fuck!” Justin shouts, and Brian knows that he is getting close.

_I want to do this for the rest of my life…_

Brian grits his teeth, opening his eyes to watch Justin unravel beneath him as he slams his cock into him. He shifts Justin slightly, bringing him closer and watches as Justin’s eyes fly open on his next thrust.

_I don’t ever want to lose him…I’ll do whatever it takes…_

“Brian!” Justin exclaims, finally coming undone, his cock shouting streams of cum untouched. Brian’s hips continue to buck as he feels his own release finally break free and he hangs his head as the last spasms finally die down.

Carefully, Brian lowers Justin’s legs before moving to lay on top of the younger man.

“Don’t, you’re going to get all gross,” Justin weakly protests.

“Well, I’m already sweaty, might as well be sticky too.” Brian mumbles into the crook of Justin’s neck. A smile dances over his lips as his breathing returns to a normal pace. “Just means we can have fun in the shower together, right?”

“Ass.” Brian mutters, a smile playing on his own lips.

Brian reaches out and places a light kiss on Justin’s lips, licking across that smile he realizes he will never be able to get enough of. Pulling back, he keeps his head raised and stares at Justin, taking in everything he can.

“Why are you staring at me?” Justin finally asks.

“Just don’t want to miss anything,” Brian replies softly. He starts to run one of his hands through Justin’s hair, fingers gliding smoothly through the soft strands.

“You’re being quiet sentimental today,” Justin jokes, chuckling softly.

“Maybe I have a reason to be for once,” Brian says as he continues to stare and play with Justin’s hair.

“Oh really?” Justin asks, lips widening into another broad smile. “And what, pray tell, would that be Mr. Stoic?”

“I love you”

Brian watches as the smile falls off of Justin’s face, and is replaced with a look of confusion at his words. “You what…?” He asks, voice small and soft.

“I love you, Justin,” Brian repeats.

“Bri…” Justin’s eyes widen as he hears the words a second time that night, the weight of them finally sinking in. Justin surges forward and lands a kiss on Brian’s lips, one that knocks the wind out of Brian. It isn’t long before he is pushing back with his own crushing kiss, doing everything he can to stay connected to the younger man.

Justin pulls away, but only so he can bury his face against Brian’s neck, a motion that Brian repeats on Justin’s own. Using one arm to hold them both up, he wraps the other around the smaller man, clutching him as close as he can. Justin’s own arms wrap around him, fingers digging into his back.

“I don’t ever want to lose you, Sunshine,” Brain says, voice cracking unexpectedly. “Ever…”

Justin clutches closer to Brian, but soon they are both pulling away again to just look at each other.

“Don’t worry,” Justin finally says, breaking the silence that had fallen over them. “I’m never going anywhere without you ever again.”

Brian pulls Justin in for another kiss that soon ends when Justin leans back again. He starts to squirm out from under Brian and pulls himself off the couch. Raising his arms over his head, he stretches out his body and Brian watches, captivated by the shifting muscles. When he lowers his arms, he reaches one out towards Brian. Brian stares at it confused.

“First place we are going is to the shower,” Justin says simply, a smile taking over his face once more.

Brian stares back at Justin and several moments pass before he reaches out to grab Justin’s hand. Following Justin through the flat, he realizes that this is what he wants to do for the rest of his life. Unable to picture a day when he won’t be by Justin’s side, he wraps an arm around his lover and they walk towards one more moment of the rest of their lives.


End file.
